Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
(Refer to: Intro, Day 1, Day 2)
Wow, when I set off on this, I knew, but I didn't know just how hard it was going to be. I'm generally pretty honest anyway, because I don't have time to play games and keep track of lies. I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who would disagree with that, but hey, such is life. So today's topic, something I have to forgive myself for, this is rough. Bear with me, I know what I mean, but putting it into words just isn't what I'm best at. You see, I'd like to say that anything that I'd need to forgive myself for, I already have. Or maybe that I've never done anything I need to forgive myself for (*snort* riiight). But the truth, ahhh the truth, it's not either of those. The truth is that there is so much I've done that I should probably forgive myself for that I don't think I could ever get it all writen down. Certainly not in one day. So I'm going to pick something that is kind of general, and that most likely will make no sense to anybody else. Or maybe you'll know exactly what I mean.
I need to forgive myself for not following that one dream, the only one I've kept all this time, and that I've all but given up on. It's been a dream for as long as I have memories, and long before I could ever put it into words. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is. But I do need to forgive myself for not making it come true, especially since it has been within reach more than once. But I chose another path, and now the chance of fulfilling it is awfully slim. And I beat myself up inside my head for that way more than I should. I know logically that I shouldn't but logic doesn't always enter into things, does it?
Sure, I could have chosen to go with one of the easier ones, like forgiving myself for not keeping the house as well as I should, for not being as good of a parent as I should be (and that is so so true), for lots of things that probably everybody should forgive themselves for. But the one thing that I have to forgive myself for is the one thing that I probably never will be able to. And I guess I can live with that.